Hello to anyone who cares to read..
It seems this year has been like a transition. From a state
of not knowing, toward a dream that only I could realise. I’ve tried my best to
keep it going in the face of adversity, seeking out opportunities and playing
on strengths and facing weaknesses head on. If you knew me 6 years ago I was a
different person – bent on getting money in to pay the mortgage and never
realising that life could be so much more, and to be shared with someone. Karen
came along, born out of a shared passion for climbing. I really thought she was
the one, I fell heavily for her and in the end paid the ultimate price.
It’s hard to convey
how sick I felt when she rejected me, how isolated and alone it felt to have
no-one after being so happy with her. I loved her so much, she was so much
younger and yet more grown-up and mature than I will ever be. Simple pleasures
massaging her feet while we watched TV or stroking her head while on holiday in
Skye. Those where the good things, our trip to the Dolomites was the best
holiday I have ever had with someone (even though we argued often).
I left my job and started with the ambulance service, and in
doing the thing that Karen wanted I lost her the second my course started. I
knew it would happen but I thought I could salvage the relationship. When in
Kingussie she came to visit I couldn’t speak to her, I knew what was coming but couldn't talk to her, I felt numb. When I eventually left the service and
pursued the Outdoor life of which I should have embraced years ago, she was
gone. I met her in a carpark to give her a box of things and afterwards I
soloed Warfarin at Dunkeld, so bent on aggression and full of reckless angst (it took the kind words of Jules Lines to calm me down).
Working in the shipyard on the ropes over the winter I
gathered enough money and felt better physically. I also focused my spare time
into doing my winter ML award which really helped to have something to aim for
(during the windy winter). I spent the start of 2014 looking for avenues into
an outdoor job, that’s when I found out that I love working with young people.
I just seem to connect with them and feed off the energy and anticipation of
week long activity courses. I love watching and interacting with young people’s
ideas of the world and I appreciate their youthful naïve honesty. Working
outside I tried to build up to doing my MIA training, knowing how this can
change you as both climber and person.
Climbing trips to Pabbay, in the Alps and on the Ben
directed my energies and felt like rewards for my loosing out on a summer last
year. I love the freedom of climbing trips and not sticking to plans, spending
chunks of time on the road in the fort and all over Scotland. Selling my car to
finance my MIA training is the best single decision I made this year, not only
earning some incredibly useful skills but meeting some fantastic individuals.
Rachael is a shining light amongst a year of uncertainty, I love her blatant
optimism and go for it energy. She is
beautiful and reminds me of the character Saleem (I know he's a boy, but is portrayed as Asexual) in Midnight’s Children, always with an eye to the future caught
up in the whirlwind of the Lodge, yet with her calmness of being and stoic demeanour.
I chased her but soon realised there was no place for me in her changing
landscape.
And so, back to winter and from my rusting van into a nice
modern-day bothy! Sitting here in Braemar I am a ski technician and part-time
hill runner and climber. I like who I am and this transition I feel is almost
complete. I’m thankful for the characters and experiences that have shaped me
this year. Thank-you Matt for being the best climbing friend a guy could want,
to Sarah and Berry for being there for licks when I needed you, thank-you Ross,
Chris and Joe for some unexpected awesome summer days on rock, to Aline Edvin and
Grant for the Cham express, to my sister for always being there for me, to Mum
you know why, and to everyone else don’t give up on me, I know I can do it and
I’m trying everyday to make it happen!
